Slacker Fantasies

It’s hard to get a break in a world where our cleverly disguised reptilian leaders and their partners in crime, The Illuminati, are bent on global economic and political domination. They want to enslave us under the horrors of a despotic, dictatorial, New World Order, just before selling us down the river to a cabal of self-serving alien interlopers, who will make a meal of us so fast it will make your head spin. Good lord! Mine is spinning already. What a predicament. This hopeless situation is just the kind of thing that can drive a thinking man to drink. Do you know what I mean?

Sure you do. If you are a consumer of conspiracy theories, you know exactly what I mean. That is because conspiracy theories are highly addictive mental balm for under-achieving malcontents. Conspiracy theories are just like the weather, everybody talks about them, but nobody does anything about them. Conspiracy theories are mentally stimulating. They allow you to build up a powerful head of righteous indignation. Then they release us from the troubling responsibility of having to take action on those fears, because those elaborate plots are much too broad and entrenched for us mere mortals to transcend on our own. Right?

Sure. Just don’t examine it too carefully. If you do that you might notice that you are just running a negative thought loop in your head by giving into irrational, unsolvable, fears. Those fears are strictly optional items in your thinking. If you don’t give power to them, they won’t bother you. I guarantee it. Believe me, there are plenty of better places to put your mental concentration. You know, like perhaps creating something progressive and uplifting with your thoughts instead? Look, it’s just an idea. If you just let go of the negative thoughts (those unnecessary fears) that might be good enough. Well, you know, being a slacker and all.

Full of Krapf?

No doubt about it, conspiracy theories have a strong cerebral attraction. Most of the people who write about them are intelligent guys. Jim Marrs and the aptly named David Icke, for instance, are pretty sharp cookies. And, so is this next guy who I stumbled across online. He is listed on his website, http://www.alienmindbook.org/ only as the mysterious “George L.” At that address you can find his free online book “Alien Mind - A Primer”. It has the kind of title that sucked me in immediately. It’s pretty heady stuff. It is an eclectic blend of alien sociology, astronomy and woo-woo science, tempered with an understanding of quantum theory and consciousness. In fact, it was so engrossing, that I was well into the text before I felt compelled to put on the brakes. That was about the time that I noticed how unremittingly negative and dire this ambitious manifesto was becoming. I mean, I was just about to get out my Prozac and razor blades, daub on some dark eye make-up and play some Morrissey discs. No lie, it was that depressing.

That was when I decided to get a little perspective. Throughout the text “Alien Mind” makes constant reference to aliens he calls “Verdants” and a book written by the unfortunately named Phil Krapf. George L. has a somewhat strained relationship with these particular green guys. So I wanted to see what the deal was with Mr. Krapf and the Verdants. Luckily, I happened across Krapf’s book, “The Contact Has Begun”, (Hay House, 1998). It turns out that Phillip H. Krapf is a former editor at the Los Angeles Times. And thus we get a breezy and well written book which is not an alien horror story at all. Instead, it is a modern day contactee story of the sort that was so popular back in the ‘50s. Who’d a thunk it?

Well, certainly not me. I figured this book was going to be a major buzz kill. But it is actually the straightforward story of an old school, nuts and bolts, gumshoe reporter who gets beamed up to outer space by aliens one lonely night. The aliens’ purpose was not to explore his nether regions, but to educate and indoctrinate him to spread the message to us earthlings that the Verdants are on their way to making open contact and to help us become interstellar members of the “IFSP” (Intergalactic Federation of Sovereign Planets). The Verdants also told Krapf that they practice total non-violence. Hey, that’s not scary at all, is it?

Well, once I read that I felt good enough to throw away my Prozac. If you were a real taciturn type, you could read some negative ulterior motives behind the points left out of Mr. Krapf’s essentially positive book. There certainly is room for the kind of speculations that “Alien Mind” makes. But I just don’t feel like battering my psyche that hard for no good reason. It seems that George L. takes an almost fiendish pleasure in this psychological self flagellation. But he does give us cause for hope.

Just to show that he is smarter than the Einsteins in the Bush White House (yeah big deal, so is Howdy Doody), he actually gives us an exit strategy. This type of thing is practically unheard of in the annals of conspiracy theorizing. Although I didn’t finish George L.’s book, what I did read implies that the clever way to avoid being dominated and enslaved by the Verdants is to not go along with their plans and entreaties. Wow, that’s a real eye opener. You mean if we just ignore them they will go away? Do you think this technique could work on conspiracy theorists too?

But hey, I don’t want to be all negative here either. George L. has written a very fascinating book. His psychological analyses are quite astute, whether they are about alien beings or people you know. I especially like his commentary about the different psychological and ecological implications of sexual versus asexual beings. It turns out that we sexual types are pretty discombobulated by all of those randy hormones and our compelling natural instinct to reproduce. They make us a bit whacky and illogical. So, that is why asexuals have a decided evolutionary advantage when it comes to complex social adaptations and pure brain power. This book is full of these kinds of thought provoking and unique insights. If you just ignore all of the paranoid grumbling, “Alien Mind” is actually a pretty interesting read. Kudos to George L. for being a smart guy.

Ultimately though, George L. is still selling us a load of fear-laced snake oil. But, bless his heart, he seems to be doing it for the right reasons. He just wants ill informed folks like us to know what a mess those crazy aliens might get us into. And then give us just the tiniest shred of hope that we may dodge that inevitable bullet. Good for him. I wonder if he listens to Morrissey?

The Ultimate Conspiracy

But you haven’t heard anything yet. I have the conspiracy theory to trump all conspiracy theories. I discovered this while I was doing in-depth research on all those conspiracy theorists. I studied them over a period of years. Then I ruminated about it for, oh, 15 minutes or so. Then I made up some stuff. So I arrived at my conspiracy theory in more or less the same way that many of those other ones were formulated. 

So here it is: You know Jim Marrs, David Icke, George L. and all of those other multi-talented bring-down artists? Well, I discovered something that even those clever fellows aren’t aware of. They are all in cahoots! They are all unwitting dupes of those rascally Verdants. Yep, the aliens brainwashed them and made those guys tell their dreadful stories. The conspiracy theorists themselves are the ultimate hidden conspiracy. The aliens want to fill our minds with irrational fears. If we get that fear factor working really good in our pea brains, it is almost better, and much less intrusive, than a lobotomy. Yep, if we consume enough of those fear inducing conspiracy theories, we will eventually become a bunch of depressing, slobbering slackers. Then the Verdants will have us right where they want us.

Okay folks, you’d better brace yourselves now, because this is the scary part (all conspiracy theories require a scary part). You know that Jim Marrs induced fear running in a negative feedback loop in your head? Well, it turns out that those optional fears also have an effect on breaking down the protein in your brain matter. Yep, read enough David Icke books and your head cheese will turn into a mushy, soupy sludge. Once your gray stuff is sloshing around in your cranium, all the Verdants have to do is inject some fruit flavoring into your skull, agitate your head a bit and then quickly freeze the whole mess. Then they deftly laser off the top of your skull, and voila, your useless mind becomes the aliens’ favorite dessert treat, strawberry ice-cream, served up in its own ghoulish smiley face bowl! Wow, you’ve got to hand it to those crazy green guys, when it comes to diabolical and ironic plots, they are the best!

And, just to show that I too am smarter than your average world leader, my conspiracy theory also comes with an exit strategy. Your mind does not have to become alien junk food. You can avoid this horrific fate by simply ignoring all of the trumped up fears in those crazy conspiracy theories. Isn’t that clever? Gosh, I was so proud of myself that I went ahead and pitched the eye makeup too. But then I realized that my exit strategy was just a rip off of George L.’s brilliant idea… I was crestfallen.

So, I am sitting in my bedroom, weeping and eating ice cream with Morrissey playing in the background, when I had another epiphany. It turns out that George’s brilliant exit strategy works on Morrissey as well. Yep, Morrissey no longer has any power over me. As long as you don’t buy into his manic depression, he is actually kind of cornball. In fact, this strategy of not giving into negative thinking works for pretty much any negative thought form in the universe. Morrissey; gone. George Bush; done. David Icke; toast. Reptilian alien usurpers; I scoff at them. Will Ferrell movies; straight back to the sophomoric hell that spawned them.

I never realized that reading a distressing story could lead to such radical spiritual growth! I even smiled through a Robert Smith song the other day. How’s that for progress? And it is all because I don’t give in to those icky stories and negative thoughts any more. I suggest you do the same. Otherwise your mind could end up as an alien bon-bon. Because, you know, that’s what happens to slackers.